Withdrawing

I am, for the first time in 10 years, off of antidepressants. This is not by choice; I have no health insurance. I was recently turned down for Medi-Cal because I'm not pregnant or blind (although it is nice to know that I'm one drunken mistake away from being able to see a pulmonologist). If you've ever wondered what it's like being off antidepressants after relying on them for so long, imagine the shittiest mood you've ever been in hovering about a foot over you threatening to descend at any point. Also, nausea and headaches and mild crying at weird intervals come and go incessantly. The last time I stopped antidepressants, it was too sudden and I went through the same withdrawal symptoms that a heroin addict does. Have you ever seen the movie Ray? Remember when he was trying to kick his habit cold turkey and he started sweating and screaming and having horrifying nightmares? That but without getting an Oscar at the end of it.

This time, I knew it was coming so I slowly lowered my dosage bit by bit until I just stopped altogether. I still get headaches and nausea and the urge to vomit while passing out while just dying altogether. Last night, my nightmares were so scary that my cat, Sophie, came and sat on top of me like a furry security blanket so I would have something real to relate to when I stopped thinking I was dead. I feel like I'm recovering from the longest bender of my life and in a way, I am. 10 years is a long time to be medicated.

I did pretty well on medication. I rarely took anything personally and I coped with things better. I was still a twisted oddball (no medication will ever change who someone is at their core) but my serotonin levels were closer to normal and I didn't cry over episodes of Rocko's Modern Life. Those pills saved my life and it's strange being without them. When I do get insurance, I will have to consider whether or not I want to go back to them. As of right now, I just want to down an entire bottle of Prozac and listen to Joni Mitchell's Greatest Hits but when everything settles down, it'll be something I'll really have to think about.

I know that at least a couple people who might come across this will wonder why I don't just get a job with health insurance. I'm really happy that you don't have to live in the real world where things suck. I am doing my best and hopefully something will come along soon. Or I'll just marry my boyfriend when he gets insurance because I'm finally okay with my lack of any desire for a wedding despite the fact that society says I'm supposed to salivate over picking floral arrangements. I'm just not there and I don't think I ever will be.

I don't mean to sound like I'm whining. I'm not. I just thought I'd give you a little insight into what happens to people who go their entire adult life dependent on medication when suddenly it just isn't there anymore. It's doable but it's uncomfortable and strange.

Now, if you don't mind, I am going to go watch Matilda for nostalgic purposes and cry the whole time. I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving. Here's a picture of a Venice Beach sunset to perk things up a bit.