Uh Oh!

I have moved! My blog is now being updated at BK to LA on Tumblr.

Freaking Out & Making Amends

Being mostly alone in a new city gives me a lot of time to think about things. I do a lot of thinking normally but having so much alone time has caused me to reach new levels of over-thinking and over-analyzing. One interesting thing that this has caused me to want to do is "make amends" with everyone I have ever "wronged."

I put the word "wronged" in quotation marks because as an empath, I am overly sensitive to every single thing I ever say or do to anyone so oftentimes, my definition of wronging someone is a regular person's idea of normal interaction. For example, I sent someone a page long, barely lucid email at 6AM apologizing for losing touch when we were 14. I had been wracked with guilt for over 12 years and his response, in summary, was, "Oh, I thought it was my fault. No harm done." I have a lot of nightmares about friendships I feel I had caused to end and bad things I'm convinced I'd done and for some reason, I have a hard time letting them go, no matter how old or ridiculous they probably are.

Of course, in apologizing, I spend the whole day freaking out as I wait for a response. I have gotten people admitting that they were angry with me, which is hard, but it comes with the territory and I absolutely deserve it if I did something wrong. I can only hope that those people can forgive my wrongdoings because I am truly sorry. However, 99.9% of the time, the response is "I didn't even notice." This causes me to wonder if maybe I need to be more okay with the fact that not everyone is scrutinizing my behavior all the time and that I really need to calibrate how necessary some of these apologies are.

In the meantime, be on the lookout for a page long email at 4AM about how sorry I am regarding that one time I canceled getting coffee with you because I had the swine flu three years ago.

Sophie, a cat who I owe many apologies to for tap dancing poorly while holding her.

Withdrawing

I am, for the first time in 10 years, off of antidepressants. This is not by choice; I have no health insurance. I was recently turned down for Medi-Cal because I'm not pregnant or blind (although it is nice to know that I'm one drunken mistake away from being able to see a pulmonologist). If you've ever wondered what it's like being off antidepressants after relying on them for so long, imagine the shittiest mood you've ever been in hovering about a foot over you threatening to descend at any point. Also, nausea and headaches and mild crying at weird intervals come and go incessantly. The last time I stopped antidepressants, it was too sudden and I went through the same withdrawal symptoms that a heroin addict does. Have you ever seen the movie Ray? Remember when he was trying to kick his habit cold turkey and he started sweating and screaming and having horrifying nightmares? That but without getting an Oscar at the end of it.

This time, I knew it was coming so I slowly lowered my dosage bit by bit until I just stopped altogether. I still get headaches and nausea and the urge to vomit while passing out while just dying altogether. Last night, my nightmares were so scary that my cat, Sophie, came and sat on top of me like a furry security blanket so I would have something real to relate to when I stopped thinking I was dead. I feel like I'm recovering from the longest bender of my life and in a way, I am. 10 years is a long time to be medicated.

I did pretty well on medication. I rarely took anything personally and I coped with things better. I was still a twisted oddball (no medication will ever change who someone is at their core) but my serotonin levels were closer to normal and I didn't cry over episodes of Rocko's Modern Life. Those pills saved my life and it's strange being without them. When I do get insurance, I will have to consider whether or not I want to go back to them. As of right now, I just want to down an entire bottle of Prozac and listen to Joni Mitchell's Greatest Hits but when everything settles down, it'll be something I'll really have to think about.

I know that at least a couple people who might come across this will wonder why I don't just get a job with health insurance. I'm really happy that you don't have to live in the real world where things suck. I am doing my best and hopefully something will come along soon. Or I'll just marry my boyfriend when he gets insurance because I'm finally okay with my lack of any desire for a wedding despite the fact that society says I'm supposed to salivate over picking floral arrangements. I'm just not there and I don't think I ever will be.

I don't mean to sound like I'm whining. I'm not. I just thought I'd give you a little insight into what happens to people who go their entire adult life dependent on medication when suddenly it just isn't there anymore. It's doable but it's uncomfortable and strange.

Now, if you don't mind, I am going to go watch Matilda for nostalgic purposes and cry the whole time. I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving. Here's a picture of a Venice Beach sunset to perk things up a bit.

Back and Forth

It's difficult to really say how well I am adjusting to LA. Some days, I really feel good and other days, I feel homesick for New York like crazy. A pen pal is visiting NYC and asked me for some suggestions of places to visit. I almost couldn't make myself shut up. I just named everything I could think of and with them, came a flood of all the memories I've stuck them with. Another friend on Twitter asked if I could recommend any obscure bands and I had none I could think of from here but I had dozens and dozens from NY that I had stories about going to see or hanging out with.

It's things like that that are the hardest for me. I remember things so well that it's almost as if I could feel them in my hands but really, I'm thousands of miles away. My Brooklyn apartment belongs to someone else now. Another person is filling my old job. Friends are hanging out without me. That is the reality of it all and it's hard to come to terms with. Life goes on without you and that's the way it always will be. We like to coddle ourselves by believing that we are an important tool that keeps the machine running but maybe we're really just those useless extra screws that come with all IKEA furniture "just in case."

I don't want you to take this the wrong way. This isn't some manifesto for lifelong misery or a desperate attempt at fishing for reassurance. I'm just saying that you can be fine and not fine at the same time. That's where I am in this process. I'm fine and not fine.

The Most Ridiculous Job Interview Of All Time

Yesterday, I applied for a job as a front desk receptionist at an acupuncture clinic because my college degree makes me suitable for nothing. I worked as a front desk receptionist at a mental health clinic in New York City and I was pretty good at it so I figured I could try for it again. I immediately received an email saying they were having interviews today at 3PM so I RSVP'ed and made my way down there this afternoon. It was literally the most unprofessional interview I have ever been on in my life and I have been on some bad ones.

There were about a dozen other candidates waiting to be seen. They scheduled everyone at the exact same time, which is something you never do because people tend to get aggressive when surrounded by competition. There were not enough seats for everyone so the poor receptionist was pulling chairs from wherever she could find them and even had to give up her own seat. 3PM comes and goes. The couple who own the clinic have not gotten there yet. 3:05. 3:10. Finally at 3:15, the husband shows up. He blames his wife's lateness on their 2-year-old. Between the two of them, they couldn't get one child in a car together? I can't even imagine what a horror show this child must be. The husband answers questions from the applicants. One woman is wearing jeans and another is eating Skittles while waiting for their interviews.

The wife finally gets here around 3:30, which is when we were told the interview would be over by. She makes a poor apology, blames the child, and then says that the child is so difficult that all the neighbors know about her drama. I pity them and pray they can afford boarding school because I can't see them surviving her teen years. Now comes the actual "interview." We are all told to introduce ourselves and tell them everything they need to know about ourselves in 30 seconds IN FRONT OF THE OTHER APPLICANTS. It was probably the most degrading, humiliating, and awkward way you can possibly interview people. The reason they did it this way? They got "so many applications" that they "couldn't possibly" go through them all.

When I was leaving my last job, we got over 1,000 resumes regarding my position. My boss picked 50 people out of the applications she liked and met with each of them personally, separately, at specified times, without the applicants running into one another. Technically, you could possibly do it if you wanted to take the time. Of course, who wants to put all that effort into picking the person who is the first impression of their business?

Then we were told to walk to our cars "really slowly" because they would be calling us right away and could come back then and there for part 2. I did not get called. I do not care, although I was sort of hoping for a call so I could tell them I wasn't interested because of how unprofessional they were. Luckily, I live within walking distance so I wasn't really stranded somewhere waiting for a call that never came. I walked right home, made dinner, and felt bad that I was never good at math because accountants make bank.

I suppose I'll start another cover letter. I hope everyone in New York is staying warm.

Fighting Off the Urge to Nap

It's about 4PM and I have done almost nothing all day. I have this habit of drinking coffee, showering, getting dressed, putting on makeup, getting all my stuff ready to leave the house, and then just deciding to just sit back down and not go anywhere. I'm probably going to end up eating a bunch of carbs for lunch and then passing out until dinner. Try not to be impressed with my Monday schedule.

I am trying to learn how to cook. So far, I have made fettuccine alfredo, turkey chili, and fancy salads. Tomorrow, it will be slow cooker mac & cheese. I know my menu doesn't sound that impressive but I literally have cooked twice in my entire life and once it was an utter failure. I did get Mat to eat broccoli, though, which is pretty impressive considering he only eats like 2 vegetables.

I got to hang out with that cute dog I posted a picture of a while ago. Her foster family ended up adopting her and they brought her to my boyfriend's office. They also brought me free lunch, which was freaking awesome.

She is really small and really well behaved. It's incredible that a dog who is only 4-months-old and was so badly treated is so calm. Her new name is Truffles and she is very happy and loved now. If you're interested in fostering, adopting, or donating to wonderful dogs like her, check out Angel City Pits.

I've been doing my best to crochet a baby blanket for my friend. It's going to take a while, since hardly any of it is done, and baby blankets are tough. The stitches have to be super small with no holes so the baby doesn't get its fingers stuck in it. Luckily, the baby isn't expected until the end of March and I don't have a job yet. I have 3 feet of length left to go and I literally have done about an inch over the past 2 days. None of my other friends had better get pregnant until after this is finished.

It is still super hot in Los Angeles, as you can see by a neighbor's brilliant front yard setup. I wish I had a front yard, too.

It's 90 degrees today, it was 85 yesterday, and it'll be in the 80's again tomorrow. It's weird getting used to the fact that it gets dark early the same way it does in NY but it's still really warm. My brain is having a hard time understanding it. I have always had a hard time with seasonal depression so I'm not sure if I should be worried about it this year or not. I'll definitely be getting more sun as it's warm enough to be outside but there is still less daytime in the winter, regardless of the weather. If I start making blog entries with depressing song lyrics from bands I liked in high school as the title, you'll know how it turned out.

To conclude, here is a picture of some dessert we had last night at DK's Donuts in Santa Monica. They are called Maple Bacon Bliss and they are basically just a pound of sugar with bacon. 

I couldn't really taste the bacon or even the maple because the sweetness was so overwhelming but they were fun to try. My personal favorite thing there was called a Canadian creme donut, which was a chocolate frosted donut filled with homemade whipped cream. For the most part, I promise, I do normally eat fairly healthily but this weekend, I enjoyed plenty of grease, fat, and sugar, while blaming it on my period. I don't feel bad about it, either. I deserve to get one perk out of bleeding profusely from my genitals. It might as well be a few donuts.

This weekend, I will be taking a bicycle trip and hopefully I will somehow motivate myself to get to the gym we are paying for but have yet to visit. No promises, though.

Remember to get out and vote tomorrow! You have no excuse not to. If you don't know your polling place, here is a good site to Find Your Fucking Polling Place. Have a good afternoon!

Guacamole, Insurance, and Sandy

Good evening. It's after midnight and I ate way too much guacamole so I'm just lying in bed and waiting for the itis to set in. We got some fancy new flannel sheets on sale at City Target so I'm very comfy.

It's nice to be able to breathe. My health insurance hasn't gone through yet and my asthma has been getting worse as the air gets cooler. I wasn't taking my daily meds as they are really expensive and then last night, I woke Mathew up at 3AM, in tears, because I couldn't breathe and my rescue inhaler wasn't working. We finally had to give in and pay $270 for the maintenance inhaler. There is no generic of Advair so I'm basically screwed until I get insurance. It's hard knowing that both Mat and I went to college (and Mat to law school) and did what we were "supposed to do" to be successful and I'm still wheezing throughout the night because I can't afford medication. I'm telling you now: LEARN A TRADE.

I haven't mentioned the hurricane yet, I know. My family and friends are doing okay. Luckily, no one I know personally lost anything of much value. There were many lives lost, however, and many homes destroyed. I will be donating to the The Red Cross and I suggest you do as well. If you are in New York or New Jersey, volunteers are needed as well as food and clothing donations. I can get that information for anyone who would like it. If you can give blood, that is also needed. The last time I tried, I almost passed out and the nurse made fun of me so I will just be donating all the other stuff.

Anyway, I hope you all have a good weekend. GO VOTE ON TUESDAY! Be safe and stay warm.

EDIT: I got rid of the paragraph where I was angry and flipping out. Look, I had cramps. Leave me alone. Just donate to the Red Cross. That's what's important right now.